The third step towards lament is the request. The part after I have complained and released all those emotions down to that pen and paper for them to be seen again, by me. After seeing them, acknowledging that pain, struggle, and weakness; then I can change the venting to requesting and asking for something to change.
If you have yet to read parts one and two, I encourage you to scroll back, because I mentioned a concept revealed through a book, which I highly recommend, where the author mentions that “to lament is Christian” (Vroegop). That is a vital thing to understand here when I repeat these terms outlined in the book. Without being Christian, I personally don’t know if lament is even possible, or at least to the same extent. See this section, after turning to the father and complaining to the father, I am now able to ask the father! Maybe it is only the question “why?” or “when?”, but I am turning those questions in my mind after experiencing the pain all over again while naming it–to then posing them as questions to the Lord. I found this part of the lament, even easier. The complaining, like I mentioned in part 2, that was not an easy ride! This practice however, was a steady stream of questions.
I know I have mentioned this in my posts before, but though this is a public platform, this is more for me than it is for any of you readers. So I am actually going to post my lament here. It may be far from finished, I am not sure. But each time I read it, a chunk of weight drops from my shoulders and the pain, doesn’t seem to have as much power. So, maybe I will get the peace, or just the TRUST in the father I am longing for.
My Lament
God, will you listen to my lament? I have no one to tune their ears to my cry. Would you?
It didn’t used to be this way. I didn’t have trial after trial, chasing after me.
Why is it, God that every time I get to climb towards those mountain tops, that boulders come rolling down, gaining speed and strength; leaving me anxiously running–though knowing I will soon be crushed. Will you slow the boulders? Will you break them down? Will You carry me up the mountain, because I have nothing left.
When, Lord, will my joy be restored? How long will I fear for my safety? How long will it be until peace enters my sleep and the images of darkness and terror cease? You have provided strength when I cannot stand, food and shelter when I have no money, and a smile when I am fixed in despair.
I think about just weeks ago when I could laugh and rejoice. Where I could hold my head high with eyes wide, and a steady heart. So why now, do You allow the toil, the heartache, the pain, and the fear to overshadow? Why did You take my joy? I cannot live this way!
Will You just utter the Word and Satan flee? Or are You allowing his schemes to teach me? Am I like the servant Job? Will he take from me, only for You to restore? Why have You been silent, leaving this question unanswered?
If You have this for me, I need You. I am desperate for Your friendship. I crave Your comfort. I require Your strength. I beg and plead for Your forgiveness. I ask for Your compassion and mercy. I am in need of Your grace. You, O Lord are in Control and I fear that. I see that I have held my fists so tightly on my life, my ministry, and my job! But now You open my fists and it causes pain, like your shears to the vine.
The cuts You are making run deep, why does the sting take so long to fade? These weeds are choking my life, and I am about dry under this scorching heat. So would You gently prune back my weeds and dead branches that are sucking the life out of me? I am not even asking for You to bring fruit. I just need the thirst to end, the breath of life back in me.
O Lord, You say in Your Word that You and the Father are One. You have set the example for unity among the Church—the Body. Yet here on this earth, it is broken! Your Body was broken for us on the cross, and though You rose again…this earthly Body time after time breaks the unity with gossip and harsh words. When will it end? When will the pain from those who should be kind, no longer exist? Have You forgotten Your bride? Will You speak kindly to Your bride because I don’t think I can. My tongue is ready to cut down out of hurt, but I know that will leave me even more alone. What will it take for You to step in?
When will You return and make all things new, Father? When can I stop pleading for unity and understanding among those who claim to know You? Father I long for the Day of Your return, for me to see You face to face. But even the thought of that glorious Day, brings with it, dangerous lows and weeping for those whom I hold dear that do not KNOW You! So, God, this battle continues, raging inside my brain and my heart. When my heart is full of You, I cannot wait for that Day! But when my heart is focused on those around me, I feel like I am dragging You back by the coattails, asking for just another day so that they would Know and Believe. But how long, Lord, will You wait?
God, I fear I have failed You and what You have desired and planned for my life. I can’t help but think I am a disappointment to my family; forgettable to my friends; and replaceable in my ministry. Will this cycle ever end? Will I ever be understood, remembered, or even wanted, by anyone other than You, Lord? I understand that You are Comforter, but will You bring someone to comfort me? I get that You are the Good Shepherd and watch over Your sheep, but where is my shepherd now? I hear that You gift love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, and self-control; but where, O God are those in my family, in my friends, in my workplace, and even in myself? Will You bring those? Will You hasten Your timing? Is forgiveness ahead? Is restoration even conceivable? Because Lord, I have failed to forgive, to strive for restoration. Will You bring anyway?
If You have this for me, I need You. I am desperate for Your friendship. I crave Your comfort. I require Your strength. I beg and plead for Your forgiveness. I ask for Your compassion and mercy. I am in need of Your grace.
Lord, help me to wait. Lord, help me to stand, to carry on, to run the race, and to keep the faith. O Lord, You love me and would You, O Lord make me a humble vessel. Would You use my lament, to turn ashes to beauty for Your Name, Your Kingdom and Your Glory, forever and ever, Amen.
