Lament Series (Part 1): The Backstory

The Backstory

I am embarking on a much needed journey within my own heart, thoughts, and being. It is the process of lamenting. Not just lamenting, but lamenting some far overdue things, and lamenting well. I am welcoming you on the journey with me through this series. The thing about this is that I cannot promise you when the “part 2” will release, because, like I said, this is a personal journey. This blog is my dairy from the road I am walking, if you choose to join, I welcome you.

Have you ever had the experience of almost everybody you trust telling you the same thing, but none of them know that they have expressed the same things?

Go read this book. You need this. Have you heard about this, yet?

For me it was the mention of a book, with the poignant undertone. This book was all about lament. Hmm…it is interesting people said I need to work through that. I have not lost anyone recently or been through anything “traumatic”, so why do they keep mentioning this book? I had been saying over the years that I was doing well, learning to mourn–mourning the loss of expectations. But lament…lament is different. Mourning is to feel regret or great sorrow for a loss. On the other hand, “lament is a prayer in pain that leads to trust” (Mark Vroegop). Based on these definitions, I became eager to learn to lament.

Lament is a prayer in pain that leads to trust.

Mark Vroegop, Dark Clouds, Deep Mercy

‘Traumatic’

You are hearing from a lady that loves psychology and promotes counseling to everyone. Believe me, it was a phenomenal two years to wrestle my past. I thought since I had the skills and resources now, and had been told I “graduated” from counseling, I was set. I thought no matter what was thrown my way, I could walk through it in a healthy manner. I was not entirely wrong, I guess.

I knew that events in the past were difficult. Things were not supposed to be this way! However, I never would have labeled what I went through as “trauma”. Boy, was I wrong! Now, even though I can label a list of events in life as “trauma” or “traumatic”, does not change the fact that I like being yellow, like Joy.

If you have never seen Inside, Out, the animated movie, you need to! It may be a Disney movie geared towards a much younger audience, but it has a great message to it. Anyways, if you have seen it, you know what I am talking about. I like being Joy! Joy is this cheery character in a sparkly green dress, comparable to Tinker Bell, shadowed in a bright yellow light, with crazy blue hair, that exudes joy. She sees an obstacle and views it in a positive, optimistic light. I want to be like her. I don’t want to be a combination of three of the other characters: Sadness, Anger, and Fear. These blue, red, and purple characters are the exact mixture that I wanted to avoid. I wanted to say, “even though I have had trauma, I survived.” I wanted to stay positive. I still do. But in that positivity, I noticed I was just pushing the blue sorrow, the red injustice, and the purple fear that much deeper. So here is where my story of lament, begins.

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Intimate Address

That book that I alluded to and quoted earlier, is called Dark Clouds, Deep Mercy by Mark Vroegop. The author sprinkles in stories of dark, traumatic times, laced in with principles of how to lament well, using biblical literature and poetry to support. The first of these principles is the one known as the “intimate address”.

For the believers, that really means seeking the Father. For those who are not believers, our heavenly Father is ready to listen to you, in fact, He is waiting for you. He wants to hear about your sorrows, disappointments, confusion, etc. “Lament talks to God even if it’s messy. It requires faith. Silence is easier but unhealthy.” (Vroegop). I went too long staying silent.

When I moved to the other side of the world in the chaos of a worldwide “crisis-mode” mentality, I told myself, just observe things, because you are new. Don’t rock the boat. I stayed silent. What I saw that I didn’t think was supposed to be the way it was, was left alone, I saw it as “this is how it is here.” I can’t change it, I must accept it. It’s over a year later and I’m just now recognizing that was not the best approach to take with everything. I won’t be sharing too many specific details here, that will be for mine and the Father’s eyes only, but I will explain portions of my story so that I can continue to process through my writing here.

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Awaken the silence

I made the naïve mistake that everyone is kind in the world; especially believers. Father, I was wrong. I myself have fallen into the trap of this world. One that leaves a wake of wreckage behind my words and my actions. I have been hurt to where my knees and foundation have been cut out from underneath me, leaving me to feel defeated and abandoned, by ones I was required to put my trust in. But I also know that I have been outraged before, and because of my pain, have sought revenge using my cunning wit and harsh facial expressions that can tear down just as painfully, if not more so.

This is just one of the targets I have to address and give to the Father. I know that He will hear my lament and I no longer need to be silent. I am ready to breathe in deep and shed the layers of hidden emotions, errors in judgment, and silenced fears, not just from the past 18 months, but over the almost three decades of my life. This will be messy. Tear- and snot-soaked clothing kind of messy! I know that the intimate address to the Father–accepting the invitation of vulnerability will be a feat of its own, but only with this step, can I begin to move forward. So let’s mark it here!

Father, here today, I am opening the invitation to lament.
Would You accept my messy life and comfort me during this season as I walk through a past ridden with pain and disappointment, so that You can bring comfort, reconciliation, and trust into my life? Would You take me through the next step of lamenting with gentleness and patience, guiding me towards trust and confidence in who You are?

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