Living overseas has changed me. Cliché, I know, but hear me out.
I had very few expectations of living overseas as an expat and what it was going to be like. I knew language and culture learning would be difficult. I knew I would get lonely often. And I knew that my perspective on things would change due to my new lifestyle outside of my home country.
All of that has come true.
I didn’t necessarily think my whole personality would change as a result. From the fast-paced, hit the pillow exhausted, get-back-up-and-do-it-again lifestyle I was living. Now with free time, I ask myself what do I do with this? Some may kill to be able to say those words, “free time”, but for me, they can be deafening, lonely, and stretching.
When I moved here, I quickly found that schedules, time frames, plans, anything with the future in mind; had to be surrendered. Things like making food that usually took a couple minutes, at most, would be upwards of a half-hour, or a drive to the market and back. Laundry that you would throw in a washer, do so many other things in an hour, then switch to the dryer, now could take half a day, up to two days in the rainy season. All because you do laundry in a bucket and hang dry on a line, sometimes with no sun for days to dry them. Not having a car that I can whip down to the grocery store, load up on everything and be back in no time, is now a calculated, more frequent event because I have to determine what I can buy that will fit into one large reusable bag that sits at my feet on my motorbike and will have a place in my fridge or home with no storage or closet.
These things were initially hard to get used to, but slowly became a way of life. It meant getting up earlier, always carrying a raincoat and a shopping bag, and learning to do things without all the amenities of the western world, has changed me.
A stone in the waves
As I am closing in on the end of the calendar year, and through various conversations with wise people, I have to say that this picture of stones in the waves has been my story.
Though I have not made it to the ocean yet, I have seen a beach many times. You know when you find those stones along the sandy shore, whether big or small, they are smooth. Smooth enough to walk on top of with bare feet, not worried about the pain they might cause, just focused on not slipping on them? The waves or current of an ocean or river, washes over the stones, again and again, smoothing their once rough edges. Even cleaning them off in a way, getting rid of the dirt or sand that has been caked on; forming a beautiful and smooth stone, the small ones good enough to skip across the water’s surface.
That is what I feel like. I am stone in the waves.
Some days, my stone feels like there is a storm at high tide. When the waves hit, leaving just enough relief in between to take a breath, before being covered again. Like at a wave pool. I used to like these fun excursions as a kid at the waterpark. You would stand in the large pool, waiting for the buzzer when the waves would be released. We would try to either swim under them or go over them without getting your head wet. The later one, always seeming to be unsuccessful because as you would bounce over one, the next would hit faster than you thought. All the while leaving you with the lovely chlorine taste in your mouth, and a splash to the eyes.
There are days that my life feels very much so like a wave pool, like the rocks at the beach in a storm at hide tide. Days where loneliness leaves me gasping for air at the brief moment between the impact of the waves. Days where I get drenched in the rain driving, and I am left cold, wet, and just wishing to be home. Days where I open my front door and see all the cleaning I have to do but left empty of energy and motivation to do it. Thankfully, there have been more of the good days than these days.
Smoothing The Edges
Some days I am still a stone, being smoothed by the waves. The calming rhythm shaping me, smoothing out my rough edges, even those I didn’t know existed. Though these are smaller, more manageable waves to work through, I would not necessarily say they are easier or more enjoyable, not always, at least. These are the waves that have shown me just how competitive and cut-throat I can be. How prideful and arrogant I am when it comes to doing things on my own. How my once necessity to be independent has turned into a jaded stone, not accepting of help or support. I have learned that my constant inquisitive mindset can be annoying and a little too personal.
These are all waves that have slapped me in the face, washing over me, sometimes at a storm-like rate, but then fading quickly to that calming, low-tide rhythm. The more they are brought up, the faster that edge of my stone smooths out. Believe me, I am nowhere near being that smooth, skippable stone across the water’s surface. I probably won’t get there this side of heaven, but I am seeing the beauty in being smoothed. The crashing waves are less frightening now. The person I am becoming is different, far from perfect, but more rounded, less jaded.
Let the Waves Hit
Because I am a follower of Jesus Christ, I know that waves will hit. I should expect them. I should welcome them. However, I am human, so yes, the waves crush me when I least expect them, they are relentless when I just need a moment of relief, not a quick gasp for air. I know the waves will come and I don’t want them to stop coming. Just because I follow Jesus, does not mean my life is easy, comfortable, and I’ve got it all together. Most of the time, it is a million times harder, because I follow Jesus. My waves are a part of the smoothing process to make me more like Him.
And He said to them, “Why are you afraid, O you of little faith?” Then He rose and rebuked the winds and the sea, and there was a great calm. And the men marveled, saying, “What sort of man is this, that even the winds and sea obey Him?”
Matthew 8:26-27 (see also Mark 4:35-41, Luke 8:22-25 Bible)
I challenge you, let the waves hit. See what things they bring, what edges they smooth. The best part is, I know Jesus will not let me drown and He will not let me face the waves alone. He is always there because He is the One in control of them all. So, let the waves smooth your stone and enjoy the ride.
