Note: I know that most blogs are not full of vulnerability, but this one is different. If you are uncomfortable with reading that, I am giving you a caveat. For those that are intrigued, please keep reading.
Those of you that have been tracking with me recently, know that I have moved to Asia and am currently in quarantine in a hotel here, abiding by government regulations. For this quarantine, I am pretty much “stuck” inside four walls for 16 days. I am sure some of you reading would find that confining, depressing, boring, and more like a nightmare. However, I see it as a small haven.
Four walled Haven?
Haven? Really?
You are thinking that, right? After months of unknowns, confusion, and even mourning the loss of control; yes, this is a haven! These four walls are stability, security, and something known! I am eleven days into quarantine, and I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a little sad to be leaving soon. WHAT?! Think about it, would you choose to leave stability for instability? Known for unknown?
On Day 7 of quarantine, I could actually leave the room and go to the “relaxation area”. I was up early and ready to go, but the funny thing is, my stomach was in knots when I was leaving. I was excited beyond belief for fresh air and exploring, but I was also so nervous that I felt the urge to vomit (my apologies for the mental picture there). Though I was able to calm myself, I was nervous….what would I see? Would I have to speak Thai with such a limited vocabulary? Where did I actually get to go? I am not sure what there was to do, should I bring something to do?
stepping outside the walls
These and many other questions ran through my mind, welcoming that little bit of fear in. This would be my first time outside the four walls in my new culture. Sure, it is still restricted to the hotel property, but still! My fear dissipated as that fresh air and warm breeze hit my face. As I stumbled to find where exactly to go, after being directed to “go down the elevator and turn left”. The left was far from immediate, actually a nice walk past about four other buildings on the resort property, and then another left.
When I arrived at the designated area, it was segregated by who had completed the first COVID-19 test and then those that had completed their second one. There were some people walking around, taking advantage of the additional space to actually have some sort of exercise. There were a few lounging in the sun or shade with a book. I found a shaded lounge chair, in a spot that had a view of the majority of the area. I watched and observed. I was nervous for what reason? Later, I ended up walking around for some light exercise and then before I knew it, our time was up. There is a limit to 45 minutes per day, prescheduling required.
Why Did I fear?
If you would have asked me a few years ago if I really feared anything, the only thing I would have said was spiders! (EWWW!) About two years ago now, my eyes were opened to the fact that fear was actually binding me. It called the shots, if I gave into its power. A mentor within my company, challenged me to be free. Easier said than done. Though I did some uncomfortable poking and prodding at my heart, the refinement process continues.
Did I fear leaving the safety and security of my home in the States?
Did I fear saying good-byes to students, staff, friends, family?
Did I fear moving over eight-thousand miles away, alone?
To be honest, no. I did not fear those decisions, because I knew this was what I was meant to do. However, when my departure date changed, again and again…there was fear, back again. Fear, doubt, all the questions of “are you sure?” I gave up everything tangible that I knew and loved for what?! To not actually go?!? I let fear in again.
I was still afraid when the visa finally came.
I was still afraid when the plane tickets were rescheduled.
I was still afraid when I got my first and second…and third COVID tests before leaving.
I was still afraid to say good-bye to my cats for the fear they would not make it through the flight (happening next month).
I was still afraid that somewhere in the middle of the Atlantic…my plane wouldn’t make it to Thailand.
I was still afraid I would get lost in the airport or not have the correct documentation.
…All of that fear built up, and I was afraid to leave these four walls?! I was certain that this was the plan for me, and still am. Yet, I sit, waiting, almost expectant for another hurdle to jump or something to go wrong. Why?…Fear.
But now thus says the LORD, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consumer you. For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior…because you are precious in my eyes…”
Isaiah 43:1-2, The Bible: English Standard Version
UnHealthy Fear
Some may disagree with me, but there is a small amount of situational fear that I think is appropriate to have. Otherwise, we would be naïve, thinking everything was always rainbows and sunshine. Instead, a healthy fear, keeps us alert and aware. However, letting fear grip us is unhealthy. The passage above has encouraged me in this time. “Fear Not”, “I have called you by name”, “You are mine”, “I will be with you”, “You are precious in my eyes”. Yes, these words were given to the people of Israel many, many centuries again, but they are recorded in the Bible for us today. What do you see?
Right away, I see that encouraging command…”fear not”! Who did it come from?… “The LORD, the One who created you.” Having these fears did me a favor, they propelled me closer to Him. I think I will always wrestle with a little dose of fear here and there. Though the beautiful thing about it, has been that I get to see Him show up and show off in ways that overcome and overpower that fear. Quarantine has been a two-week reminder of His work to get me here. If He did that much to get me here, sustaining me here, will be a sight to see!
After all, my pursuit if of Him, not this world. Be sure to see what He does next as I leave these four walls and move to my new home!
