Sometimes I just want to write, but I have no clear idea or topic in mind. This is one of those times.
Can I be honest in this moment? Something actually has me worried. Well, correction, a few things have me worried. I would not say that I am an anxious, fearful, or worried person naturally, but this week, there were a few things that just appeared and forced me to pause.
Pause.
The first was physical. I looked down one day and my right hand was darker and speckled. As I flipped my hand to face the palm to the sky, I saw a yellow, almost iodine-looking skin discoloration. As I observed the rest of my right side, I found that the splotches turned red and covered the surface of my right shin. Rash? No. Allergy? I don’t think so. Disease? I don’t know.
It has been days of medicine, scrubbing every skin cell, changing diet, once again. I don’t know what it is. I guess time will tell. To add to that, my eyes are going. They burn. They itch. They are in almost constant pain. Why? Again, I don’t have an answer.
This is not me complaining, please believe me. I am stating facts. The fact is, I think now I have a little piece. Physical pain may slow me down, but it can’t stop me, not until God says so. I keep moving forward. I keep finding the small things to be joyful about. I keep pausing when I need to.
Pause.
It has been over three months since I moved to Thailand. This is the longest I have lived outside the States. I find myself a little worried, because the last time I stayed three months outside the States, I was in the Philippines. It was different there. I was strong out of the gate, so excited to be there. Shortly after the two month marker, the countdown to going home, began. Then the “goodbyes” and final things to do came into play and I was conflicted on leaving. But there I knew time would be short. Maybe that is the difference?
Whatever it is, I don’t feel that here. No countdown. No mixed emotions. Sure, I miss some people. I also miss cooler weather, anything under 30 degrees Celsius, however, not to the point of leaving this place. So why am I worried? I am worried those feelings will come. I am worried I will want to leave. I am worried I will have a countdown and it all disprove what I have been trying my hardest to prove here–longevity.
Longevity
Longevity has been my word. My mantra. The lens in which I make decisions here. What will keep me here? Who should I be friends with? Where should I go for food? What should I do after school? Should I find a church to attend? Longevity settles all the curiosities in my brain. But, if I cling to longevity too tightly, will that dream burst because I tried to make it happen in my power?
Now what?
I like writing when I don’t have answers. Even the times when my inquiring mind settles, with no further questions. It is there, that I get the clarity in time. It is there, that it is released. All the worry, anxiety, and even fear. Released. Released and free. Let that be the mantra I cling to for today. I am not promised tomorrow, so why worry about the things of tomorrow.
“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear…Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
Matthew 6:25, 27 NIV Bible
If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Matthew 6:30, 34 NIV Bible
Lord, may I be released today; free to experience what you have set for me for today.
